Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida....... :blink:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to the right leg?
A: Nothing -- they've never met.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


:clap: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

AND IM A BLONDE!!! I CAN TAKE A JOKE

FEEL FREE TO POST YOUR OWN!!! KEEP EM" COMIN



A gay man named Roger goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roger, I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS." Roger is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Roger asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your as*hole is for."

~~~GOODTIMES!!!! ~~~~~~~~SARAH


:director: <a href="http://www.hyundai-forums.com/2003-Hyundai-Tiburon-code12-cid88.htm">My Ride</a>


This post has been edited by InjenTibby03: May 27 2005, 08:14 AM

Hi Sarah Here are a couple.

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, was in a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother thought he should name the children.

When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.
When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,


"Denephew"

Next One

A blonde ordered a pizza

and the waiter asked if he

should cut it

in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please.

I could never eat twelve pieces."

NEXT ONE

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque. "I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


He He He Thats all for now!

:laughing: LOL that was good!! Man I didnt think anyone would post... sometimes this forum is dead! Anyways those were awesome!!! Now hopefully some more people will post ~~~ sarah

XXX I regularly write in the Tucson Forum but thats all car related stuff, I was having a roam around the forums (bit like a Roman if you understand that) and suddenly saw your posting, great that you are a blonde (Always did like blondes)

How about this one! I think it fits for my age group

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.--------------------------------Ha Ha

LOL THAT WAS AWESOME..... Im gonna use something like that one day!!! OHH LOL good times good times!!! :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: ~~~~ SARAH

After weeks of hearing her blonde co-worker whine about not being able to sell her car, the brunette finally asked her why it won't sell.

"I don't understand it," replied the blonde, "they look at the car and like it and all, then they look at the odometer and leave."

"Ohhhhh, I see," said the brunette, "I have a mechanic friend who can fix that up for you. Here's his name and number. Give him a call!"

Two weeks later, it suddenly occurred to the brunette that she had heard no complaining about selling the car.

"So, you sold the car?" she inquired.

"What?" The blonde answered with a puzzled look.

"The car you were trying to sell. I gave you my friend's number, remember? So you haven't said anything, I'm guessing he helped you and it sold."

"Ohhhhh," remembered the blonde. "I decided I'm not going to sell it. **** thing only has 5,000 miles on it!"

This post has been edited by imprezton: Sep 15 2005, 12:37 PM

These aren't mine, these are one's i found. My jokes are a little to racial or religious oriented, not that i hate either one, just ones i know off the top of my head but these ones came form www.Big-Boys.com


A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde,

'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, 'Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!!

A Blonde was so Stupid that she....- Tried to put M&M's in Alphabetical order- Got stabbed in a Shootout- It took Her 2 Hours to watch 60 minutes- Drove you to the baseball game and saw a sign that said stadium left, so she turned around and went home.- Received 'Artificial Intelligence' when she died her hair brown.- Called the Love 'Hotline' and got burned.- She studied for a blood test, and...FAILED!- SHE CALLED YOU TO GET YOUR PHONE NUMBER- She stared at the orange juice for 45 minutes cause it said concentrate- She sent you a fax with a stamp on it- She tried to drown a fish- She thought a quarterback was a refund- She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death- If you paid someone every time she had a good idea, you'd get change back- Charter's number is on her speed dial.- She thought A.I.D.S. was something to improve your hearing- They had to burn down the school to get her out of 2nd grade.- She thought SYSCO made thongs!- she tripped over a cordless phone- She asked for a price check at the dollar store- If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless- She sold her car for gas money!

How does a blonde turn on a light?

She opens the car door!!!!!!!!! :clap:

My sister told me this one last night....

Stung by the criticism in media reports that he didn't show enough concern for the victims of hurricane Katrina, President Bush ordered his staff to brief him anytime there was a natural disaster causing major damage or fatalities. The very next staff meeting, he was told that a tornado had struck a small town in Kansas, destroying most of the buildings. "Aw, shucks, what a shame," said the president, "write up a letter of condolence for me to sign." That was followed by a report of a flood in San Antonio, Texas, where a whole neighborhood was swept away. "I know that was a bad flood, but my fellow Texans are tough folks, and I know they'll make it through alright." A few days later, he was told a blizzard had swept though Colorado, and two Brazilian tourists were killed. The president jumped out of his seat exclaiming, "that's terrible!, send out the National Guard, get FEMA in there right away, call the U.N., and get Air Force One ready to roll!" His staff members were amazed at his response, and each glanced at each other with concern since the response was overly exaggerated even though two foreign nationals were involved. Just as the president was about to leave the oval office, he asked as he looked over his shoulder, "by the way, how many are there in a Brazilian?"

:460:

This post has been edited by 101 Cruiser: Nov 3 2005, 11:48 PM

Here is one fopr the Christmas Season :460:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?"



She stands there and thinks a minute and says,

"Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."*

:460: :460: :beer: :whistling:

I really laughed at these jokes guys...they were good and I just told my friends! lol Im impressed....Jokes really dont get me but yall did!!!
:beer:

Hi Sarah Got some more Blondies for you :)

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Florida were sitting on a bench late one night talking........ And one blonde looking up into the sky says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.......... London or the moon?" The other
blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see London...?????"



SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her licence.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How
can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

KNITTING
A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind
the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the policeman cranked down his window,
turned on his tannoy and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and an Essex Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Essex Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said
the Russian.
To which the Essex Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know.
We're going at night!"

(In order to understand this Very English joke I must say that Essex girls are supposed to be thicker than Blondes but a Blonde Essex Girl ?????????)

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you
hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

ROLEX & TIMEX
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the
blond. "They're watch dogs!"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her Hyundai Tibby into a petrol station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just
crap in the carburettor" She asks, "How often do I have to do
that?"


Hope you enjoyed
Bye 4 now
Itza :460: :460:

It's been a bit one-sided so far, so to redress the balance ........

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home
was take off my trousers," he said.
"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she
did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't
possibly wear them, as they were too large."

"I told her:"
"Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and
I always will!"
Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone
after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers,
gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly
wear them.

"Exactly" replied Jack.
"I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I
don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try
these on" she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers" said Jack.
"Exactly" replied Jill.
"And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will."


One day the housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -


Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to bright, funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

Should this have been a Blonde moment

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning, she was running late and when she was on the bus, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
She loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so at this point, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock."